Personalization

When it tends to show up

• When a family member or coworker seems to be in a bad mood
• When your team or group doesn’t get the result it hoped for
• When a get-together you planned doesn’t go as planned

A hint for another view

Draw the reasons behind what happened like a pie chart, including everything that isn’t you. Your slice may be smaller than you think.

What is Personalization

Personalization is a habit of taking on events that aren't necessarily your fault, thinking "Maybe it was my fault" or "If I had been more on top of things, I could have prevented it." What makes it distinctive is that things like the moods of people around you, the results of a group, or chance events, which really come about through many overlapping reasons, get taken on as your responsibility alone.

People with this habit are often observant, sensitive to other people's feelings and highly responsible. Noticing changes in how others are doing and thinking about what you can do for them is a reliable and kind quality, and the people around you can see that too. But when you search inside yourself for the reason behind everything that happens, the load you carry keeps getting heavier. As you spend more time blaming yourself, you may feel down more easily.

There is nothing strange about having this habit. The more you value your relationships with people, the more naturally it tends to develop. Noticing "I might be trying to take all of this on myself right now" is the first step toward seeing things differently.

Everyday examples

At home, when someone in your family comes home quiet and seems to be in a bad mood, you may keep wondering, "Did I do something to upset them?" In reality, they may just have had a tiring day out. The mood you are picking up on may have nothing to do with you at all.

At work, when a project your team worked on together doesn't turn out well, you may feel "My part held everyone back," and keep going over it alone, even though there were many other reasons. A tight schedule, a change in what the client wanted, or the way the work was divided may all have played a part.

In friendships, when you organize a get-together and the restaurant is crowded and the food is slow, or fewer people show up than expected, you may think "Because I didn't plan it well, I couldn't make it fun for everyone." Things like how busy a restaurant is on a Friday night, or whether people can get away from work, are mostly out of the organizer's hands.

In dating, even when your partner is down because of a problem at work, you may look for the cause in your relationship: "Maybe I'm just boring to be with." On social media, when you see someone post something that sounds annoyed, you may start to worry, "Could that be about me?" Most posts like that are about things you will never hear about.

When it tends to get stronger

Personalization tends to get stronger when the people around you are acting differently than usual. When you don't know the reason for a while, the nearest possible cause that comes to mind is yourself. You know your own words and actions best, so they are the first place you look, even when the real reason lies somewhere you can't see.

It also shows up more when you are the organizer or the person in charge. When you have been made team leader, put in charge of planning an event, or you are the one who set the family's plans, every result can feel like your responsibility. When you are tired, or when someone has blamed you in the past, this habit also tends to appear more easily.

Questions that help you find another view

When you feel "It might be my fault," try asking yourself questions like these:

• How many reasons behind what happened can you list, including the ones that aren't you?
• If you drew those reasons as a pie chart, how big would your slice be?
• Could there be circumstances you don't know about behind the other person's mood?
• If the same thing happened to a friend, would you tell them, "That's your fault"?
• What happens if you separate what you can do from what is out of your hands?

Your slice may be smaller than you think. If you keep only what you can actually do in your own hands and gently set the rest down, your heart can feel a little lighter. Taking responsibility for your own share is enough; you don't need to carry everyone else's share as well.

How it differs from similar patterns

Personalization often shows up together with Should Statements. Should Statements is a habit of holding strong personal "I should" rules and easily blaming yourself or others when they aren't kept. What sets Personalization apart is that, whether or not there is a rule involved, you look inside yourself for the cause of what happened. When you feel "I should have done more," the two habits may be overlapping.

It is also similar to Emotional Reasoning. Emotional Reasoning is a habit of using a feeling as evidence: "I feel sorry, so I must have done something wrong." It becomes easier to tell them apart if you think of Personalization as a state where, rather than a feeling, your estimate of "where the cause of this event lies" is tilted toward yourself.